GatorBait.net - Smith: A light-hearted look at the 2009 season

October 23, 2009

Guerry Smith
GatorBait.net Associate Editor

In late August, I wrote the first half of my third annual lighthearted game-by-game forecast. The second half was supposed to run the following week, but I decided to wait until the midpoint of the season for fresh material.

Take this light-hearted, tongue firmly in cheek, look the way it is intended - as harmless fun.

Without further ado, here's Part II:

7) Florida 38, Mississippi State 10

Asked the key to winning in their taped pre-game radio interviews, Florida coach Urban Meyer and Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen both say, "Play great defense, take care of the football, score in the red zone and win the special teams battle." Meyer neglects to mention, "have better players at almost every position." Florida falls behind 7-0 when Mississippi State's Anthony Dixon breaks four tackles on a 50-yard TD run, but the Bulldogs commit turnovers on their next four series, play lousy run defense, get a punt blocked and miss three field goals from inside 35 yards. Irate Gator haters claim SEC commissioner Mike Slive secretly had invisible fans installed at Scott Field to blow the kicks wide and ensure Florida remained undefeated. Emmanuel Moody sits out the first quarter because he fumbled in a goal-line drill during Bloody Tuesday. He rips off a 30-yard run at the start of the second quarter, then sits out the rest of the half because he lined up a foot to the left of where he was supposed to be. In other news, Alabama beats Tennessee 14-12 despite four picks from Greg McElroy and only 72 yards from Mark Ingram. Experts unanimously name "surging" Florida as the favorite against 'Bama in the potential SEC Championship Game.

8) Florida 27, Georgia 20

After winning in Starkville for the first time in 24 years, the Gators barely survive in Jacksonville, a place they almost never lose. Fired-up Georgia, coming off an open date, plays by far its best game in an attempt to salvage its crumbling season. Florida plays poorly even though it's not a trap game, a sandwich game or any other buzzword reporters like to write about and fans love to fret about. The first sign of trouble comes a day earlier when one of the team buses is pulled over for going two miles over the speed limit in Waldo. With the score tied at 20 in the fourth quarter, Tim Tebow runs 10 consecutive times before the Gators go ahead on a gorgeous catch in the back of the end zone by ? Omarius Hines. Later, a groggy Tebow admits he had his bell rung on the previous play, mistook Hines' No. 82 for David Nelson's No. 83 and would have tried to run for the score if he had read the number right. Georgia QB Joe Cox guides the Bulldogs to a fourth-and-goal at the Florida 8 with five seconds left. After a timeout, coach Mark Richt dials up a swing pass to running back Caleb King. Joe Haden tackles him at the 10. Irate Gator haters claim Slive ordered Richt to make the call and preserve UF's perfect season.

Florida 24, Vanderbilt 0

The Gators post their first shutout in three years, clinching the SEC East in a game that lasts two hours and 30 minutes as the teams combine for 20 passes. With Tebow still not 100 percent, The Plan to Win becomes the Plan to Run, sending UF students streaming to University Avenue bars long before the fourth quarter ends. The Commodores fall to 2-7 after finishing 7-6 in 2008. Vandy fans (both of them), knowing the previous winning record came in 1982, chant "wait 'til 2034." Carlos Dunlap has three sacks, an interception and a fumble recovery. More importantly, he cracks the Gator Bait Hot 11 for the first time this year. The other big event occurs off the field, too. Percy Harvin, after traveling to Gainesville during the Minnesota Vikings' bye week, spends the night in a hospital after suffering migraines again. Meanwhile, Alabama clobbers LSU 31-3 to clinch the West. Experts agree the Gator have no shot against the Crimson Tide in Atlanta.

Florida 21, South Carolina 12

Florida completes its first undefeated SEC season since 1996 but does nothing to allay fears about its offensive shortcomings in another ugly win in Columbia, S.C. With winds gusting up to 30 miles per hour, the Gamecocks settle for four field goals and one amazing visor toss through the uprights after coach Steve Spurrier becomes disgusted with punter Spencer Lanning, who forgets to kick away from Brandon James, resulting in a 60-yard touchdown return. Later, James runs a sweep on fourth-and-1 and gets blown over by the wind for a 2-yard loss while Jeffrey Demps, Chris Rainey and Moody watch from the sideline. For the first time ever, neither teams draws a penalty. Marc Curles' officiating crew, fresh off a suspension, is too afraid to throw a flag. Insisting the game was fixed, irate Gator haters cause the email In-box of Si.com's Stewart Mandel to crash.

Florida 56, FIU 3

With Tebow's final home game only one week away and the latest game of the century only two weeks away, fans try to avoid falling asleep during this snoozer. Tebow plays the first half and helps his Heisman candidacy by running for two scores and throwing for three one day after a national columnist writes he should quit playing football (despite having only one diagnosed concussion) for his own safety. Moody rushes 15 times for 129 yards in the second half after being suspended for the first two quarters for being one minute late to a 7:25 a.m. class. Aaron Hernandez makes a one-handed grab for one touchdown and breaks two tackles for a second score after catching a shovel pass. Gainesville native and former Miami Hurricane Lamar Thomas attends the game but is disappointed no brawl breaks out. In other news, Alabama beats Chattanooga 56-3 as Ingram rushes for 190 yards in the first half. Experts agree the SEC Championship Game is dead even.

Florida 31, FSU 17

The opening kickoff is delayed because Tebow receives a 40-minute standing ovation when he is introduced on Senior Day. Until then, speculation about the potential end of Bobby Bowden's career had overshadowed anything else. Bowden insists he has not made up his mind yet, pointing out he ended a three-game losing streak to Wake Forest two weeks earlier. The Seminoles stagger into Florida Field with a 5-6 record, needing an unlikely victory to extend their bowl streak to 31 years. Adding to the craziness, embattled Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fisher wears an FSU jersey to a press conference, says he would love to coach the Seminoles and could assemble a dream staff if given the opportunity. After a brief choking spell, FSU officials say they are happy with Jimbo Fisher. The Seminoles go three-and-out on their first six possessions. Tebow throws for two scores and run for two more as the Gators go ahead 31-3 entering the fourth quarter. FSU scores two quick touchdowns but gets no closer. Afterward, a reporter asks Bowden if he thought about the Choke at Doak when the Seminoles pulled within 31-17. "The what?" he responds.

SEC Championship Game: Florida blank, Alabama blank

Sorry, there's nothing light-hearted about a meeting of No. 1 versus No. 2 on a neutral field. For a serious prediction of that mammoth matchup, you'll have to wait until December.

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